Day 13: Spanish Eyes

After the mini vent-off i had earlier this morning, i decided to listen to music all day and the only song i've had on repeat so far is Backstreet Boy's version of Spanish Eyes and i've been listening to music since 9am this morning. That just goes to show how many songs i have on my laptop and i haven't even gone half way. I've got songs equivalent to almost 3 days and with the way things are going, i'll probably pick off tomorrow where i stop today. I'm currently listening to Chayanne's Desde Siempre album. Even though the whole album is in spanish [i think], there's something very calming and soothing about his songs and his voice. I purchased his album last year because i fell in love with his voice when he sang a duet with Vanessa Williams for their movie, Dance With Me.

My laptop fell on the floor today because i was in a rush to get my clothes off the line as the rain automatically started pouring like someone was forcing it. For a few seconds my heart stopped beating because i thought my laptop had broken and stopped working but fortunately, i was able to put the pieces that fell off back together and hopefully it'll work perfectly from now onwards. It might seem strange that i'm emotionally attached to my laptop but it happens to be one of the lovers in my life; the other is my first mobile phone ever - Sony Ericsson T10. I loved that phone more than i ever felt for any of the guys i've had a crush on. Stupid i know, but that's the story of my emotions.

In lieu of trying to release my stress and frustrations in a healthy manner, i decided to try and do cardio pilates today. That thing is bloody difficult!!! I only survived the first 10 minutes before i switched to doing one of my workout dvds for 30 minutes. I've been to a pilates class twice and it was really difficult for me because i'm not flexible and the lady kept telling us to focus on our powerhouse [core]. Cardio on its own can also be challenging so i have no idea who came up with the idea of combining cardio and pilates together. That person needs to be horse-whipped. Now i'm scared to attempt yogalates because i really don't know how i'd fare with it.

Today i just had to give into the temptation to eat something with chocolate as i was really stressed up and upset; what a waste of my slice of toast!! I had this nutella pack that i bought ages ago in my previous house and i hid it in my new boots so that i wouldn't be tempted to eat it. But today i dug it out and spread it on my slice of toast. After taking a bite of it, i realised it was a mistake because it tasted like grease and sugar mixed together and i ended up chucking my toast in the bin because i couldn't stomach it. I guess i've withdrawn from nutella or any other form of extremely high sugary stuff which is great for me. It was almost as if Dita Von Teese was speaking to me through my computer screen not to eat that shit; my mouth and taste buds obviously heard her. Here's what i ate today:

Breakfast: 2 slices of toast and oats with soy milk.

Lunch: A bite of my toast with nutella spread on it.

Dinner: Rice and moroccan curry sauce with potatoes and chicken.

Exercise: 30 minutes workout dvd and 10 minutes cardio pilates.

Source: Photo

Lost In My Mind's Eye....Who Am I? Who Are You?

You know, there comes a time in your life when you want something...you want it really bad it gives you a headache and sometimes you cant even breathe properly, it feels like the walls are closing in on you or the ground is gonna swallow you...but you still don't know exactly what it is you want....but you know how you want it to feel....so you try to do something that you know would yield that kind of feeling. Even though everyone around you says you don’t necessarily need it, and it’s something you’ve never really been interested in, but at that moment in time, that’s what you want and regardless of how you’ll feel afterwards you know you want it badly. You might be breaking some kind of rule…maybe a rule you’ve made for yourself or just rules that you’re silently meant to abide by…but you also know that the things you’ve done while breaking rules happen to be the best things in your life that you’ve ever done or experienced. I don’t know how to explain the feeling, but I know what I feel and what it feels like. I know I’m going crazy but I can’t help it, it’s sort of out of control…it’s like I’ve had a build up and it just wants to come out, and if I leave it for longer it might just explode…and right now I have a really terrible headache that’s just poking me from all sides.

I'm beginning to think that it's time i reschedule my appointment to go see my therapist George because i just might be loosing it. It's like there are several people talking in my head all at once and i'm seeing lots of different things because i can see through their eyes and mine all at the same time. Reading this as i type just shows how crazy these thoughts are but getting it out of my head might be the easiest way to reduce the aches in my head and get myself to sleep. Constantly reading the same book over and over again might be a sign that there's something lacking and a room for change needs to be created. Thinking faster than my fingers can type my thoughts is leading to the weight of my glasses being unbearable for my nostrils as i can now feel my glasses digging onto the bridge of my nose. Having to study for Quantitative Mehtods in the midst of these thoughts gives the headache of mathematics and calculus a new name. Having thoughts that are not synchronised and lack a certain trend of meanings even goes to prove how salty this all is. But all this might just be a distraction from the real issue; because the real issue is nudging me to get it all out so that i can BREATHE properly without feeling like i'm going to sneeze or choke.

The real feeling comes down to something that is frowned on by society and doesn't seem to get a good rap. It's not necessarily something i would like to constantly say to my friends because you get the awkward silences and the stares from people because they are unsure of how tor eact to the situation; what to say to you or even if they should hang out with you from that moment onwards. It's just at the tip of my fingers but i'm seriously struggling to put it out there. Psychoanalysing myself right now is an understatement of the conversation i'm having with myself in my head and in front of the mirror. Why can't i just let it all out? Why can't it just come out on its own? Why is it so difficult to explain to somebody? Why do i have to 'wear a special face' when i go out just for the publice? I can just hear George saying this to me during a session 'Please do try to explain yourself as much as you can and in as much detail. This is a safe haven where we can work through the worries.' All sounds so good until it gets to the point where the words are meant to roll out of your tongue. You can taste the words but you can't mouth them off in sentences. They come in strings of words that are incoherent but on a deeper level is an alarm signalling for help. The words come out slowly.......sad....lonely....going crazy....alienated from the people around me.....feeling alone even in the midst of a crowd.....lost in self-depreciation.

Writing this reminds me of my Chemistry teacher when i was 15; he told me i needed to go see a doctor because when he looks at me during each of my chemistry classes with him; he can only describe me as withdrawn, private and melancholic. Seven years on and those words are still etched in my mind and the expression on his face still vivid. Here are two quotes from Michael Angelo that caught my attention:

“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.” “Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.”

Source: Photo

Day 12: I Really Really Want To Go Dancing

Seriously though, all through this week, i've been itching to do dancing and today on tv they showed 'Take The Lead' starring Antonio Banderas. I spent most of my time dancing whilst they were dancing, how sad is that? I'm just hoping no one saw me through the window doing it because that'll be quite embarassing. Tomorrow is going to be the end of this week and i have to say the motivations have been flying high so far. I spent today trying to do a reflective journal summary for my Business Communication course and also trying to create a folder for my new look. Since i'm loosing weight and my clothes are gradually dropping off me, i know i would have to replace pretty much everything in my wardrobe.

This for me is a HUGE HUGE motivation to stick to the plan and try to lose weight. I actually had to throw away four of my panties because they no longer sit on my waist. Today i was wondering why my jersey trousers felt weird while i was studying because i'd obviously tied the string on the waist so there was no reason for it to feel like it was halfway down my bum; well the mystery was solved when i realised that it was actually my undees falling off my waist!!! How mega cool is that? So now i'm down four key items in my wardrobe and counting. This is so exciting for me because it is a great opportunity to reinvent how i look and include those items in my closet that i couldn't include before because i felt they would only work if i got a whole new outfit to go with it. Now that i have to buy everything again, it is now or never.

I'm going to wear all the clothes i have now in my wardrobe until they become disgracefully embarrasing. I don't care how stupid i might look in the next couple of weeks. I have no intentions on wasting my money buying stuff that i'd have to replace again and eventhough the end of July is about 8 weeks away, the prospects of shopping for an entire new wardrobe are exciting, daunting, titilating and nerve-racking. I know that i've been going crazy sourcing pictures from the internet, storing them on my laptop and reviewing them over and over again and deleting pictures that i feel don't represent who i am, my style or how i would like to portray myself.

I've always wondered what the answer would be when someone asks: 'What is your style?' It's a pretty tricky question because i think style is more than what you wear. It's about how you live your life; the way you act, talk, react to others, dress. It's about your aura and personality; the atmosphere around you and the vibe you give off in the presence of others. Giorgio Armani once said that style is more about quality than fashion. I doubt he was talking about the quality of the material used to make clothes, shoes and bags. Probably he was talking about the quality of your essence: the things you choose to be part of your life and the way you choose to live your life. People always refer to Jennifer Aniston as a stylish person; if we were looking just from the aspect of the clothes she puts on then she wouldn't be stylish but more likely boring. But she's stylish because she has a timeless elegance and a certain aura and sense of self about her.

So when i think of myself, style and the kind of life i'd like to live i think of it in simplistic terms; i think simple and elegant with a quirky edge all ruled by high quality; some indulgent and colourful accessories [i'm thinking crystals and emeralds] to bring to life a simple pallette of blacks, white, blues and greys. I usually don't purchase outfits that are too colourful or have a high amount of colours in one item because it means that it dates quickly and makes it more difficult to wear over and over again. Coco Chanel once said that to be irreplaceable, one must always be different. I don't know that i can refer to myself as constantly changing; that is if you can ignore the fact that i've lived in different countries. But i think my style is mainly ruled by my personal nature which is stongly influenced by my astrological sign.

I'm a typical taurean; i'm stubborn, shy at times and i feel most comfortable when i'm surrounded by relaxing music and things that are warm, cosy, simple but luxurious. I love things that are pleasurable to touch, smell and taste like cashmere, heady perfumes and rich wine. For me it's always about quality over quantity and this transends to the human aspect. I hate it when people feel like life has been so shitty on them that they refuse to do anything to better themselves. No matter how pathetic things may be, you can go to a public library and pick up a book to enrich your mind without breaking the bank. I'm 100% sure this act is much more rewarding than heading down to your local pub and drowning your sorrow in alcohol.

And when it comes to relationships, i'm more interested in the boring old life of the tried and tested than the exciting life of switching from one arm candy to the other. I know sometimes i tend to winge a lot about the fact that i've never dated someone. But there's a reason for that; apart from the fact that i'm terribly stubborn and that all the guys who've asked me out have been weaker than i am, i'm not one for games or f**k buddies. I'm more interested in stability and security and for me this translates to being with someone that actually wants to be in a relationship as opposed to looking at it as another form of fun and time-wasting. I don't believe in falling in love, i think that's for people who are still in the clouds because when you fall in you fall out. I believe in learning to love someone as the day passes. I can easily be with someone who i'm not in love with as far as he understands me and we get along. A great cushion of understanding and sanity is the most important layer for me in learning to love someone. Guys with emotional instability and macho issues aren't welcome in my life neither would my mother accept them. My mum's like a warm glass of milk with a punch of cinammon in it so if a guy can win her over then he's certainly got a chance.

Moving onto food, here's what i ate today:

Breakfast: Two slices of toast with diary-free butter spreas

Dinner: 4 stacked 6-inch pancakes with maple syrup dripping all over it. I just used up my flour so i definately won't be making pancakes for a very long time because i'm going to give it up from next week. In relation to what i'm doing Goop-wise, i'm going to try and exercise at least 5 times next week for 30 minutes during each session. It's going to be fun and challenging to see if i can muster the courage to workout that much because i'm used to working out only 2 or 3 times in a week. Stay tuned for more tortures....

Source: Photo

Day 11:Miss Blah!

Lately, i've been dressing up in a bland manner and consistently wearing yawn inducing outfits. I have excuses though: it's mainly because i'm currently on a shopping ban and also i'm in-between dress sizes. being in-between sizes is a good and bad thing; good because it means i'm slowly shrinking [finally!!!] and bad because it means some of my clothes can no longer be worn because i look like a complete idiot. I've even had to abandon my lovely black Simon Perele lace bra because my tits no longer fill up the cup. Being ban from shopping also means that i can save up some money to actually refurbish my wardrobe before next semester rolls in because i'm pretty sure there's a limit to how long i can wear jeans that can fit an extra set of hands in the bum area. Plus my belt has reached the last hole so it's either i get a new one soon or punch in an extra hole to keep my jeans from falling off.

I haven't seen myself in a full-length mirror in a while now so i got a shocker today when i saw myself and actually realised that i'm slowly shrinking into a beautiful cashmere cocoon of succulence and lusciousness. Incase you were expecting me to weigh myself weekly, i actually won't be doing this till the end of June as that's when i had my goal for and it also means that i don't get obsessive about the numbers on the scale and become a raving lunatic. So here's what i ate today:

Breakfast: Oats made with soy milk
Dinner: 2 six-inch Spicy pancakes and syrup [i added canyenne pepper and onions to the pancakes to give it some zing and it wasn't bad]

I've just realised that i hardly drink any water so i'm off to make myself a cup of peppermint tea and from tomorrow, i'm going to try and have a glass of water first thing when i wake up and also before each meal.

Source: Photo

Day 10: The Secret Is The Law Of Attraction

Today's been pretty chilled out for me as its that time of the month so i'm trying not to use up too much energy because i might end up getting cranky. I got a teddy bear today courtesy of JieJie so it would be getting lots of hugs and cuddles tonight as it's getting pretty cold. To me, autumn officially started today because the leaves are finally falling off the trees. How hot is that. I think the colder months are the best times for romance to bloom as you don't have to worry about the heat and you have more reasons to cuddle. I like to think i've been a good girl today as i ignored all the temptations surrounding me in the form of chocolate coated donuts by imagining myself looking like Dita Von Teese whilst parading in my soon-to-be purchased lingerie from Figleaves. Here's what i've had today;

Breakfast: Large soy mocha and a toasted avocado, chicken & cheese sandwich.
Dinner: Same as last night; cous cous and moroccan curry & hot cocoa
PM drink: peppermint tea with a spoon of sugar. I actually haven't had this yet but i'm planning on working out to Cardio Jam workout later tonight for about 30 minutes so i'll probably unwind with a hot cup of peppermint tea before hitting the sheets.

Source: Photo

Day 9: Going Strong

I had a pretty good day today, everything went smoothly except from me missing a test due to the bus arriving late. Here's what i ate:

Breakfast: Large bowl of oats made with soy milk
Dinner: Cous cous and moroccan curry [with chicken and potatoes].
Post dinner: Cup of hot cocoa with soy milk and a spoon of sugar

Source: Photo

Wrong Connections

Ok, this is one of those days where i have something very retarted to say and i certainly have to get it off my chest. By the way, if you're reading this and happen to know me in person, some feedback would be greatly appreciated because i'm on the verge of actually going crazy.

There has to be something particular about me: my nature, physical appearance or attitude that attracts certain kinds of guys towards me. All the guys who've actually had feelings for me had a knack of pissing me off, the very first two i can actually stomach. But the current one, the words to describe the way he manages to piss me off has yet to be included in the dictionary and when i find it, y'all would be the first to know. I've pretty much spent the last 1 hour trying to communicate the fact that i'm not attracted to him nor interested in a platonic friendship with him. I hate forced communications and i hate someone trying to force me to be pals with them. When it comes to any sort of friendship, i like it to take place naturally as opposed to a hair-pulling, hell-raising process.

If the ground could just swallow my phone for the rest of the semester, that would be fantabulous. Even better would be for him to not actually text or call me ever; what would be the icing on the cake would be for me to find the perfect way to let out my frustration without coming across as a stark raving lunatic. All my anger and stress is all pent up in my stomach, it works just like food, the more you eat the more it goes down and settles in your tummy. The only difference between this and food is that it doesn't actually get recycled. But on a more serious note, there has to be some sort of reason as to why i attract guys that annoy the f**k out of me. They always seem to be perfectly convinced that they can talk their way into my heart by quoting parables and assuming that because i've got the same skin colour and the same national background, they are destined to have the best shot at my heart.

I hate guys who feel like i'm their entitlement and what's worse is when they don't even know how to talk to you. No idea in what your interests are, misunderstand every possible form of nice conversation used to get the point ahead. I used to be really cruel and i could spit my words like daggers straight out of my mouth and into someone's heart. But now i'm trying to be more of a lady and more mature because i know my words can lead to the emotional murder of someone.

I'm not puke cute or hot or in your face. I'm the one at the back of the class who doesn't want to answer too many questions so i don't draw attention to myself. I also know all the things that i definately don't want and have a basic idea of the things that mean the most to me and have the possibilities of making me happy. Barbie doesn't reside anywhere near me and most likely would not be welcome in my home. So exactly what is it that draws these luni-beans towards me. This post shows nothing of how frustrated i am right now, if anything....it is just the tip of the iceberg floating on the surface of the ocean with the main damage submerged in water.

Y'all have a good night. I might be needing a double shot of extra hot mocha tomorrow to get me through the day without hurling profane words.

Source: Photo

Day 8: Upward Journey

When it comes to my female crushes, they all happen to be the creme-de-la-creme of something that i already love and if i was to rank them all in ascending order they would be:

4) Gwyneth Paltrow
3) Monica Bellucci
2) Scarlett Johannson
1) Dita Von Teese

So now that i'm on a quest to shed some kilos and tone up a little bit, i look to these ladies constantly for inspiration; excluding Gwyneth as my crush on her is mainly shoe based. Here's what i ate today:

Breakfast: Oats with soy milk, 2 slices of toast and a large cup of coffee
Dinner: Pasta with tomato sauce and boiled egg
PM snack: Hot cocoa with soy milk
Exercise: 30 mins walk back home and 30 mins cardio jam workout

Source: Photo

Emotions In A Heartbeat

I've always been a big sucker for dreams and my parents always encouraged me to dream big because you're only limited by your imaginations. I guess you could say they're my role model in that aspect as they keep finding different ways to live the dreams they had when they were kids and they keep dreaming big even at the ages of 47 and 53. When i dream, it's pretty vivid and with in-depth detail. I'm talking your 50-inch plasma screen with high definition picture and dolby surround speaker system. The kind that when you actually wake up, you can feel the effects of the dream even though you know it didn't happen. One of the most vivid dreams i've had was a passionate kiss i shared with a guy i had a crush on; when i woke up, it felt like i'd spent the night kissing the shindig outta someone.

But dreams is something that most adults tend to leave on the roadside as they grow up. Why is it that as a kid, you have no inhibitions as to the magnitude of your dreams, but when you get a bit older....you start conjuring barriers such as 'it's such a childish dream'. You're only as childish as your mentality and i believe dreams are a way of keeping you on track towards your aspirations because when you have a vivid dream about something you want, the excitement increases the momentum on the steps you can take towards that goal. Time is inconsequential as to the process because as we all know, everything in life is a matter of time. And nothing goes faster than you, it goes just as fast as you can handle and the phrase "there's a time for everything" fits in perfectly with this.

I always try to think of something that i can do to make myself really happy and it always comes down to 4 things: family, friends, good music and dancing. People who've known me from 2004 onwards probably wouldn't know this but i have a knack for 'seductive dancing' as my friend Fuzzy always calls it. I always used to dance to Kevin Little's 'Turn Me On' in our room whilst dressed only in bra and panties and covered in L'Occitane shimmering rose body lotion and a heady perfume oil of musk. I love dances that are raunchy, sensuous and involve body contact so it's no surprise that my most favourite dance movies are 'Dance With Me and Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights'. I'm a sucker for latin music as you can feel the soul in the songs just from listening to the melodies and this usually translates into a great dance experience. I haven't had a heartfelt dance since i fell ill but i've just finished watching 'Dance With Me' and not only did it bring back fond memories, it made my heart flutter.


Source: Photo

Day 7: I Am Irked!

Whilst having dinner, i watched Bolt again and i have to say i absolutely love the Hamster and the pigeons, i think they make the movie more enjoyable. Today's been a pretty walkaholic day and i resisted temptation to walk to Woolies and get something laden with high amounts of sugar like McVities digestive chocolate or the soy chocolate spread. It seems to be that the minute my thoughts drift from my assignments and forthcoming exams, the cravings just hit me like hell wound up. It's weird that not only am i motivated by skinny people, but i'm also motivated by people that are bigger than i am. I saw a man today, so large that he reminded me of those jelly-looking things from Ghost Busters. You know, the big blubber ones because with every step he took, his stomach seemed to move in varying directions at the same time. But going to Jeans West with a couple of friends also made me want to lose weight because they were all trying on jeans and i've pretty much ban myself from buying any item of clothing until i've gone down at least a dress size.

But with cravings kissing me all over and assignments due with exams looming in the air, it is becoming a catastrophy; or as Bolt would say...rodonculus [ridiculus]. So i'm constantly fighting temptations on a daily basis. Tomorrow, i've got to pop into town to change some of my details at the bank and this could lead to another brush up at Woolies. I'm unaware as to if this is a good sign or a bad sign. Anne Hartley in her book [Love the life you live] said that temptations help you build up to who you want to be. So lets say you want to be a determined person; then you'll have constant temptations that will give you the chance to either affirm your determination or show that you're not ready. Hmmmmm, here's what i ate today:

Breakfast: Oats made with soy milk and two slices of toast.
Lunch: Rice and nandos moroccan curry
Dinner: Pasta in tuna, fried egg and tomato sauce
Exercise: 30 minutes of Jordan dvd workout and 1.10 hours walking

Source: Photo

Day 6: Slow Stress Building.

I pretty much spent my whole day relaxing indoors. But despite my physical calm, inside there's a turmoil slowly building up into some kind of rage and my stomach was feeling it as well. This week is going to be pretty hectic as i've got a test and a reflective journal summary due on the 2nd of June. So i figured it might be best to take a day and just be calm and review everything that needs to be done this week to make it as smooth sailing as possible. I've made a plan that should give me some sort of structure that would help ease the stress and take my mind off things. So far i've been getting about 8 hours of sleep and i'm hoping to continue this because when this week ends, i need to introduce another change that would aid in the process of having a healthier lifestyle.

Here's what i ate today:
Breakfast: Oats with soy milk and two slices of toast
Lunch: Large cup of milo
Dinner: Boiled rice with nando's moroccan curry made with chicken and potatoes.
Snack: Large cup of milo and a large cup of peppermint tea.

Source: Photo

Days 4 And 5: Trying To Practice Discipline

Hey guys, how y'all feeling? I felt there was no need to dedicate one post to what i ate on Day 4 as it was pretty much the same thing: toast. So i decided i'd combine the post with everything from Day 5. So here we go.

Day 4:-
Breakfast: Two slices of toast and one fried egg
Lunch: Two slices of toast and a can of tuna
Dinner: Two slices of toast with diary-free chocolate spread.


Day 5:-
Breakfast: Two large pieces of pancake with diary-free chocolate spread
Lunch: I large cup of milo without milk or sugar
Dinner: Leftovers from the fried rice i made and 1 large cup of milo with soy.

Right now, what I really really want to do is devour a whole packet of McVities milk chocolate digestive biscuit which is about 400g with the fat content equivalent to the allocation allowed for a male to consume in a day. I believe it has over 70g of fat. I'm trying pretty hard not to fall into temptation and take a trip to Wollies during the day. So now i have a picture on my screen of Jessica Biel's flat stomach in a bikini on the beach. This is my motivation to practice discipline and curb my cravings for the devil's food. I'm off to make a cup of peppermint tea, the heat should be able to distract me.

Source: Photo

Get Amber Rose's Look For Less!

I love Amber Rose for 2 reasons: 1) It's not everyday you see Kanye West with a girl that manages to upstage his over-inflated ego. 2) I love the fact that she can rock a shaved head and still look good as not many people can pull off the look. I don't really know who she is or what she does for a living and frankly i dont care as it's none of my business. But when i saw her in this Alexander Wang dress, i knew Kanye's ego had met his match as she rocked the shit out of it with that pose and attitude of hers.

Now you can afford to have a dress very similar to hers for a very small price courtsey of Topshop. They've created an impressive replica tunic that will only set you back £45. Topshop's version seems to be on the very transparent side though so you might want to invest in a slip to wear underneath of loads of tit tape if you feel you can brave the look sans slip. Sara Harding from Girls Aloud also wore this outfit for one of their performances/appearances. In the 2nd picture below, Kanye seems to be checking out the booty he's taking home :).

Source: Photos

My Ideal Partner

If someone asked me to describe my ideal life partner by picking someone who's alive today, my choice would definately have to be KEVIN McCLOUD. Some of you might find him ok-ish or ugly but i think he's absolutely hot and sexy; he can toast my bread anytime that's for sure ;). He embodies everything i love and dream of in my ideal partner. He's an architect, a bit of a geek and a huge movie fan, is a Brit, slightly whimsical and cocky, speaks fluent french and has an absolute fascination with houses and is always willing to learn something new in relation to architecture. He's the host and narrator of the British TV show Grand Designs and i've seen most of the series and also the very first one so i'm definately aware of his physical changes between 1999 and the present. I have to say he does come across like fine wine; they get better with age and so does he. But most of all, he is older than i am and i have a thing for guys who are about 10 years my senior. He also seems to know how to take care of himself and dress - no 5am shadow on his face as far as i'm aware.

Source: Photo

Day 3: I Feel Like An Ogre!

In times like these, playing dress up in your wardrobe and with makeup is meant to make you feel better and have a positive face to put on. But this isn't the case for me. My current wardrobe makes me feel like an ogre; fat, frumpy and ugly. My foundation has either oxidised or my skin has changed colour because it no longer matches my skintone so i've had to chuck it in the bin and stick to the one that i actually hate wearing - it's meant to be used only during emergency situations. I'm finding it difficult to find comfort and solace and being broke doesn't help matters neither does winging about it. So what shall i do about it? I guess the only idea that's worthwhile is to bury my face in books to distract myself and pass away the time. All i want are cuddles, kisses, hugs, teddies and a hot cup of milo twice a day to cheer me up...least i forget, a greast amount of moolah in my bank account. I resisted temptation to eat shit today, mainly because i spent most of my day sleeping. Here's what i ate:

Breakfast: 1 slice of french toast [bread soaked in egg and fried]
Lunch: 4 ice cubes [chewed] and a large cup of peppermint tea - don't even ask!
Dinner: Fried rice with tuna, capsicum and lettuce
after dinner treat: Large cup of hot cocoa [1 spoon cocoa+sugar, 250ml soy milk]

I hope you guys had a much better day than i did.

Source: Photo

All I Want To Do Is Scream And Break Stuff!!!

Today has been a day of mixed revelations. I've had to stay indoors all day to control myself and my emotions. All i really want to do is pull my hair out, scream, break stuff and just cry my heart out. But i'm incapable of all these things; i'm not a screamer neither am i one to go around bashing up things to release my pent up emotions....but worst of all, i don't even know how to cry. It takes a lot for me to get to a place of tears, and when i do it's usually a huge deal as i never really go to that place. Been there once, when i had my heart crushed by some dickhead; it wasn't about the fact that we couldn't be together but more about the fact that i lost a good friend. I'm not one to make friends easily so when i do make friends with people, i try to do my best to make it work.

I haven't done much studying due to my mood today, instead i spent most of my day in bed forcing myself to sleep so that i wouldn't have to think or worry about anything as i already got a lecture from my mum reminding me that worrying doesn't really change anything. I'm finding it difficult to stay positive so i'm going to have to go back to basics and read some of my philosophical books, it seems like i'll be heading off to see my counsellor after all.

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Day 2: Foul Mood and Withdrawal Symptoms

So, this is the 2nd day so far in 'the hall of shame' and i have to say it hasn't really been a good day food and mood wise. I did a marathon up the gigantic hill on my street this morning to catch the bus, thought it had left so started the 40 minute walk to uni only for the bus to pass by later; meaning the bus was actually late. But this misunderstanding led me to save $1.90. You might think that's not a lot but in this recession and with me being broke and all, this is quite good. It's so bad that i couldn't even afford to buy coffee or something else to eat after i had eaten my sandwich. I guess JieJie and I didn't make it easier on ourselves by going to the mall....such a stupid decision that would not be repeated again.

I craved every single thing my eyes could see and my nose could smell. Pancakes, fries, burger, Gloria Jeans coffee, Rush coffee, fried rice; you name it and i wanted it. Of course, i can't really afford to make any idiosyncratic purchases now so i swallowed my cravings whilst we both fell into depression. I even fell in deeper whilst waiting for the bus as the lady next to me was eating warm pastry covered in melted cheese.....i was seriously salivating and waiting for the freaking bus to arrive! But oh no, it took 20 minutes before it came to my rescue and after getting on it, i actually regretted its arrival as the driver was mental and drove as if he was high on something. One tyre was on the curb so we had this massive bump that i felt ripple through my body and through the bottom of my stomach. Here's what i ate today:

Breakfast: One slice of toast with diary-free spread/butter
Lunch: Tuna sandwich
Dinner: Indomie noodles garnished with sardines and 1 poached egg.
Snack: Half a banana and 1 large cup of peppermint tea.

As i type this, i'm craving coffee so bad that i think i might just end up making myself a cuppa and putting myself out of my own demise. I was meant to make something revolving around capsicum today but since i'm so tired, it has been postponed till tomorrow as i'm going to be home all day studying.

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Day 1: Fresh Out The Frying Pan

So, today is the first day on my healthy lifestyle transformation. Before i talk about what i've eaten, i thought it would be best to write the basic details:

Starting weight: 89.2kg
Dress size: 16
Goal weight for 30 June 2009: 83kg

I love how Beyonce and Monica Bellucci look toned but still have their curves and don't look muscular like they've spent their entire lives lifting all the weights in the gym and that's the look i'm hoping to get by Febuary next year. Today i ate:

* Porridge made with half cup of soy milk and half cup of water, a pinch of salt and syrup, two slices of toast with diary-free spread for breakfast.
* Two slices of toast with diary-free spread and a boiled egg for dinner.
* 1 large cup of peppermint tea.
* 1 large cup of hot cocoa i made myself [1 spoon cocoa, sugar and 100ml soy milk].
I walked for about 40 minutes to uni and 20 minutes to my old house; so i walked for a total of 1 hour today and i have to say that my thighs are feeling it.

From looking at what i've eaten today, i have to say that it feels like i've eaten too much carbs in one day and i haven't actually had a proper meal as everything i ate is more of a breakfast ideal than dinner. Tomorrow, i'm hoping to cook up something for dinner and it's going to revolve around red capsicum and eggs. This is going to be very interesting as i have no idea what it's going to turn out like but it's less than 24 hours away. So far, the lack of coffee and sugar hasn't really affected my mood and i'm not craving anything at the moment but that could all change with the blink of an eye.

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Goop And The Hall Of Shame Game!

I love house renovations! I love the before and after shots and the difference that it makes in the lives of the owners. I love that toe-curling feeling of seeing something that was once old and dingy look brand new and sparkly, i call it visual orgasm! I've been wanting to do the same thing with my life because after i got sick, everything pretty much went downhill from that and i also gained a whopping 30kg as a side effect from being ill. Having hormone inbalance is one thing, having higher levels of testosterone than the average female and being insulin resistant means that i can gain weight from literarily anything because the excess testosterone in my system gets stored as fat.

Don't ask me how it works because i told my doctor to shut up half way through the conversation and just tell me my options. Option 1: get insulin shots weekly to balance my insulin resistance - tried it and it didn't do jack. Option 2: go through a series of medications including diannette that helps control the testosterone levels so i can loose weight - haven't tried this because i've been on a waiting list for over 3 months and they still haven't found a suitable option to go with my blood content. Plus, i'm a bit too young to start a medication that takes at least 3 years before the effects are visible to the human eye. Seriously, apart from the tablets being freaking expensive, i can't begin to imagine myself popping pills 3 times a day for at least 3 years! Option 3: take the natural approach and try hypnotherapy, acupuncture and living mainly on organic produce. This is the option i've decided to try for now to see how it goes. The first hypnotherapy session i went to, i actually fell asleep so i'm gonna try and see a different practitioner and hopefully that would work. I still haven't gotten round to actually getting acupuncture as i'm a bit squimish about needles after having to get shots on my arm every week to balance out my insulin levels. As for the organic food, the only step i've taken is drinking organic milk.

This is where Gwyneth Paltrow, Goop and 'The Hall of Shame' game comes into place. Yesterday i talked about the lifestyle change method that was featured on Gwyneth's Goop and i actually slept for 8 hours last night and for the whole day today, i felt really refreshed and energised so i'm going to continue with it and see how i go for the next two weeks. I'm trying not to make too many big changes at once as it'll be a shock to my system and i might not be able to cope with all of them at the same time.

I've enlisted the help of my friend, JieJie, to join me in the 'hall of shame' game and believe me, it is exactly as the name states. My mum always believes that if you're not ashamed of something, it wouldn't give you the drive to change anything. In the 'hall of shame' game, the idea is to keep a food diary of every single thing you consume each day. So for example, 3 glasses of water, 4 cans of coke, a 400g pack of chocolate biscuits, a large bowl of chinese style fried rice with chicken and eggs....etc. You get the point...and NO, i didn't consume any of those things. From tomorrow, JieJie and I would keep a strict diary of everything we eat so that we can control the amount of crap that goes into our mouths. I'll also be blogging these and also blogging about my feelings during this process and how i'm adjusting to the change. Tomorrow, i'll blog by start weight and track my weightloss progress each week.

For the next two weeks, i don't plan on going on any kind of restrictive diet, and to be honest, i don't believe in them either. I just believe in making a conscious change as opposed to banning myself from something because it's only when i decide to do that that i actually crave that thing more. I'm going to follow the Goop method of actually making changes to your life style as for me, this is a lifestyle change as opposed to some strict regime. I've always had goals of what i wanted and this year, i decided that i was going to give myself a makeover which i'm slowly going to do. Because as we all know, there's no hurry in life and too much of a good thing in a short space of time is actually bad. Here are the goals that i've had since Febuary and hope to achieve:

I would like to be able to wear a bikini on the beach in November 2009. I would also like to be at least a size 12 by the time the Australian summer comes round [November - Febuary]. By the 30th of June, 2009, i would like to be 6kg lighter. I would like to weigh 58kg by May 12, 2010 God willing [that's my birthday and i weighed 58kg just before i fell ill so it would be great to get back to the old me].

Right now, it's past 10pm and i'm obviously not in bed yet as i'm still typing this post. But, i'll be waking up a bit late so that i can actually manage to get 8 hours of sleep before heading off to uni. So, if you'd like to keep up with me on my weightloss journey, you'll be able to find it under the label WEIGHTLOSS DIARY. So tune in tomorrow for more on lifestyle changes. By the way, did i mention how much i admire Monica Bellucci and her body? I'm not a lesbo but i'll certainly cross to the other side for one night with her! You hurrd me right. She's not overtly sexy or trying too hard [Heidi Montag needs to learn some lessons from her]. She's feminine, sensual and knows all the buttons to push to get your hearts racing. Plus, her body is the ideal shape and aspiring to have a body that looks like that would work perfectly for me as she isn't muscular [which i hate] and everything is in proportion [something i can definately say with my body].

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Goop-ing It!

If you've been reading my blog for a while then you'll know that i've got a girl crush on Gwyneth Paltrow. She happens to run a blog/website on lifestyle and some other random stuff. I have to say that some of the things she writes can be pretty puke inducing but i just take the stuff i like and leave the rest out as you can't please everybody so i know that not everything will be to my taste. Recently i've been thinking about making significant changes to my life and the things in it and it started with the shopping ban i went on in Febuary which i found hugely successful. It taught me about shopping wisely and investing in key pieces that would last for years and be critical about buying into 'trends'. I'm one of those people who love fashion and admire it on others but i'm pretty picky about applying it to my own wardrobe. The same thing applies to makeup. I tend to go for a neutral wardrobe that has the basic items and quality accessories that add that special something to my ensemble.

This is one of the main reasons i like Gwyneth as she's simple and stylish and it's the little details that make her stand out. When she wears her clothes, they might just be in black but it's the little details like the ring or bracelet she wears with it, how she styles her hair and the makeup she wears that makes the whole ensemble really work. For her Iron Man promotional tour, the key things she focused on were a polished hair and SHOES. The shoes caused some major envy and spiked sales and also introduced new designers to us that we probably wouldn't have noticed. She's not there trying to be in your face - i guess as long as she shuts up and not say something retarded and as far as Chris Martin isn't talking either. With shopping bans and shopping diligently going well for me, i've decided to take the next step and work on my health and lifestyle.

Of course, from reading Goop i've discovered a gentle method that i believe i can use to get into a healthier lifestyle. Basically, Gwyneth has asked qualified health practitioners [i think] ways in which you can ease into a healthier way of life and here's what i gathered from it:

Sleep at least 8 hours each night. To induce sleep take valerian, chamomile tea or vitamins (magnesium plus vitamin B6). Sleep better for two weeks before changing your diet: try eliminating white foods [after 2 weeks of sleeping for 8 hours each night]. Start with flour, then diary and sugar - give yourself two weeks to get used to not having one food item before eliminating another. If out of shape: start by walking 15 minutes daily adding an extra minute each day for the first month. At the end of a month, you should be up to 45 minutes a day.

If you're looking to go on a hardcore detox, you might want to try reading Joshi's holistic detox book. As for me, i plan on starting from tonight by trying to sleep for 8 hours each night. This would mean that i'll have to go to bed at 10pm each night and i have to say this is going to be a bit difficult to apply as i happen to do the majority of my studying at night and tend to go to bed at 1am or even 2am so i tend to just get 4,5 hours of sleep each night. I'll keep you updated daily on how i'm going.

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The Simplest Things Matter The Most.

For the last week or so, i've been sleeping on an air bed in a 3 bedroom house that had no lick of furniture. It was absolutely empty and every sound echoed throughout the house so easily. Even when my parents called, they said they could hear my voice echoing in the background which i thought was quite funny. But it made me appreciate the most simple things in life.

I remember my first time sleeping on bare concrete floor for a couple of days. I was about 9 or 10 and my grandfather had just died. Being that my dad's the eldest son of his father - eventhough they never really spoke - it fell to him to give his dad a royal and chiefly burial as both my parents come from a royal lineage. This meant that our house in the village had to be built extra quick and we had to stay in the village for about 3 weeks while the burial festivities were carried out. Since there was no furniture in the house at the time, my dad suggested I go stay with my gran while waiting for the furniture to arrive but i couldn't bear the thought of being separated from my parents as i'm forever asking questions. So I opted to stay in the house with them and sleep on the floor.

Thinking back now, it was a good experience because it taught me to adapt to whatever situation i'm in. Lets face it, i'm a luxury girl at heart and if I have my way all the time, i'll be a high class bitch with the ability to speak at least 5 foreign languages and be as educated as i possibly can whilst having french manicured nails! They say life is what you make of it and that you're only limited by your imagination; i happen to be a day dreamer and i'm pretty good at having very vivid imaginations with all the details down to the "i's" and "t's". So i still believe that i'll get to that place that i dream of no matter how long it takes.

But back to my story, i've just moved into my new temporary place and it's got....wait for it......A MATTRESS!!! It's also got furniture and tv, sheesh, no more ground kissing for me or hours spent standing because i need to use my laptop. My air bed has been safely tucked away and though we've had a short affaire, i plan on keeping it that way.

All in all, love what you have and want what you love. It might not be what you really want, but you've got it at the moment so love it anyway and keep believing and having faith that you'll get what you want.

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Time Management

I must admit that when it comes to time management, i'm absolutely terrible! I can manage my nails much better than i can organise the time to get all my work done. I'm a huge procrastinator and i always happen to leave stuff to the last minute before i get them done. The only good side to this habit is that my best work is actually done when i'm under pressure. I tend to get better marks in my essays if i've spent the previous night consuming insane amounts of caffeine whilst staying up all night to get the work done. But it is beginning to take its toll on me cause as we all know, all good things must come to an end. This week has been pretty insane and chaotic and the stress just keeps piling up as Friday draws close. But believe me, once i'm done with uni on Friday, it's straight to Gloria Jeans cafe to get myself a large cup of soy mocha with a sprinkle of cinammon on top.

Every semester, i always convince myself that i'll manage my time well and have all my essays ready to hand in before the due date, beans!!!! As i write this, i have a 2500 wordcount reflective essay due Friday and i've only written 200 words simply because i started an hour ago. As if that isn't bad enough, i have a test at 1.30pm tomorrow [Thursday] and another at 1.30pm on Friday. But i shan't be weary, i'll be staying up all night tomorrow completing my essay and hopefully i'll learn my lesson for my last 2 essays due 2 weeks from Friday. Plus, i have to start studying for the end of semester exam as i'm aiming for a distinction in all my subjects.

So, if you happen to have any genius ideas on how i can actually manage my time instead of procrastinating, please feel free to leave me a comment.

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LOVE IS IN THE AIR

No, i’m not talking about myself. There’s a cute asian couple sat across from me on campus acting all lovey dovey and it’s just so cute to look at. He bought her a drink, pulled her chair for her to sit, ordered her food and brought it to her without her having to bat an eyelash. As if that wasn’t enough to show his affection to those of us watching, he kept feeding her from his meal whilst also eating from hers. Now how cute is that huh??? Not only does he take care of her, he’s also willing to share her food and even feed her from her own plate. What more could i possibly say?

SAFE SEX IS GREAT SEX

When Lil Wayne says that safe sex is great sex, you bet your arse it is. Yup, i’ve listened to the Lollipop remix like a gazillion times already and i just cannot get over how smooth his lyrics are. They’re so tight!!! Kanye West even manages to put his overblown ego aside to add something interesting to the mix...’breast is just like Dolly Parton, like Doritos that’s Nachos cheese, fritos, a flow so cold chicken soup won’t help...’ Dude is balling and i have to say he does shine alongside Lil Wayne. Only Kanye manages to make retarded shit sound good. Whilst his wrist froze, Lil Wayne’s blinded!!! Lil Wayne manages to preach about safe sex talking about ‘wear that latex...and safe sex is great sex’ It doesn’t get any better than that so if you haven’t been latexing it, now’s the time to begin. Ahoy mes amis...

Swagger Like Us

Seeing this photo of Victoria Beckham for her new Emporio Armani campaign makes me want to run to Myer and stock up on new lingerie. I've just finished my shopping ban and i have to say i'm pretty proud of myself. I've managed to save $600 from not doing any impulse shopping and my bank account and wardrobe are looking better for it. i just had my hair straightened with GHD's today for the first time and i must admit that i love the bounce it gave my hair. My hair actually swung in the wind and sat right back afterwards so that's very impressive. I'm considering splurging on a GHD straightener in July as i don't want to make any big purchases right now. Hot on the heels of GHDs is a new crush i've developed in the form of the Samsung G600 in elegant pink and Samsung P520 [Giorgio Armani phone]. The P520 is probably the only touch screen phone i'm interested in purchasing as it's chic, classy and elegant; pretty much everything you'd expect from a Giorgio Armani designed item.

This is probably going to be the most stressful week for me so far since this semester started. But i must admit that i have started on a good note and i guess positive thinking is probably what has helped me the most. I haven't reached for a cup of Gloria jeans coffee nor have i made any for myself at home. I'm bent on staying on this positive streak for as long as i can muster the enthusiasm to. I'm even faking my own excitement by looking at pictures i love daily and repeating positive mantras to myself to keep me in the mood.

Even though i only had about 4 hours of sleep on Sunday night, i was up at 5.30am Monday morning and got to uni at 8am to do some work at the library before attending all the appointments i had for the day. Due to this early start, i'll definately be hitting the sheets early. My health drive is also going great and i'm proud to admit that i've actually lost 2kg! Yup, that's like 100kg in my books because i know how extra difficult it is for me to lose weight.

This weekend is the Shop Til You Drop fashion show which i'm attending with friends and i'm very excited as i haven't attended a fashion show since 2007. But as with the territory, i'm having to worry about what to wear from my wardrobe and i've decided to stick to the casual chic look because i'm not interested in making a ridiculous purchase just for a show; plus i'm very excited about recession dressing. The lovely item that would be added to my wardrobe would probably be a blazer. I've been considering getting a tuxedo blazer in black or just a regular blazer in navy blue. I'm yet to decide on which to invest to but i'm sure either one would make my wardrobe sing.

Currently on repeat are: Lollipop remix feat. Kanye West, Director by Avant, What Is It by Baby Bash feat. Kingston and Crazy In Love by Beyonce feat. Jay-Z. Y'all have a good week and i'll certainly keep y'all up with the innings and shindings.....

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In Need Of Fresh Air & Sunshine

It might just be Monday but i already feel worn out and tired. The stress of the previous week has managed to roll itself onto this week and the morning didn't start as bright as the sun shorne today. I feel stagnant, worn out and 'spent'! Yes, the word SPENT is a new term that has been coined by one of Gwyneth Paltrow's health gurus or whatever he calls himself. It is a word used to describe the feelings of being tired eventhough you've just woken up from an 8 hour long sleep, constantly feeling lethargic and craving sugar in the middle of the day, being very irritable and finding it difficult to wind down eventhough you're very stressed out.

I have to admit that i have all these symptoms. I actually managed to sleep for 8 hours last night but when i woke up, i felt like i'd only had a nap which started the angst of the day. This was quickly followed by the irritability of a girl pissed off at the score she got in her assignment and the layout of one of the apartments we viewed on Saturday. To even make matters worse, we wouldn't be viewing any more properties as the whole process has been physically, mentally, emotionally and psychologically draining!!! So i guess it's back to the drawing boars...only this time, the house hunting would be done solo and involves searching for a room in an already established accommodation. I wish i could say i'm excited by the prospect but unfortunately, i ain't.

It's not all bad news though! I didn't reach for a bar of chocolate ladden with lactose poisoning during this treachorous time, but i feel the burden in my chest. It's like a pound of cement has been laid to fill the void in my heart and it is millimetre perfect!

It would be a great and gladly welcomed relief for tomorrow to be much better than today. The best i can do is hope for the best because getting pissed off about it just makes matters worse. And the fact that concrete is polluting means that the more stressed and upset i get, the more strain is placed on my emotions. I really envy those who are able to express their feelings, deal with it and just move on. I happen to be the opposite; crying doesn't come naturally to me neither does yelling. I tend to supress my feelings and just let it eat me all up; what i'm very good at doing is hating and not forgiving. It's like a special brand of white wine reserved just for me.

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