Acceptance

How easy is it for you to just accept the way you are? Right now, right there as you’re reading this post. How easy is it to look right in the mirror, stare at your reflection and say i’m able to accept ME, just the way i am right now. Is it that easy? NO!! Not for me anyway; i’m constantly living in the residual of my past self or the future me i hope for. I’m rarely ever living in the moment; it’s always past or future, never really right here and right now. I remember last week i sent a text to JieJie saying i need to go into a ‘fat and ugly home’ because everytime i catch a reflection of myself in the bathroom mirror or see one of the girls in my residence rocking some hot outfit that would only look nice on someone without a pot belly and thighs big enough to strangle someone, i fall back into the self-loathing pit. This is how my life tends to unfold and work on a daily basis. Let’s talk breakfast on Friday morning. So this girl in the dining hall who happens to be a US size 0 was complaining about how fat she was and how she didn’t want to wear a dress to the formal except she’d lost some weight before then. All i could think about at that point was rendering her unconscious by chucking my rice krispies bowl at her head. And the minute i got back into my room, i already started picking my body apart and looking at all the parts i hate and how summer is just going to be another annoying hot mess because there’s no way i’d be wearing shorts or mini skirts because i hate my thighs and there’s no wat i’d be wearing dresses because i have an enormous tummy that has the abilities of an amoeba because it changes shape every few minutes irrespective of how many times or how hard i work out every week. Sometimes i even wonder why i deprive myself from eating all the junk food i like because even when i’m not eating it, i’m still not losing any weight and my tummy always speaks to me whenever i put on a pair of jeans. Should i blame this on the Australian summer that is the equivalent of a natural daily sauna or should i blame it on my inability to actually just accept myself the way i am and love myself?
It has been argued that you can never move forward without letting go of the past and actually living in the moment. These are actually two things that are pretty difficult for me to achieve. See, i’m always thinking of myself pre getting sick. How good i looked, how amazing i felt, how happy i was, how i was more self confident, the fact that i was a C cup, had a concave belly and the list goes on. And then i think of the future. How at some point in my life i would FINALLY lose weight after all the sweating, huffing and puffing i tend to do each week all in the name of exercise, how i’d be able to rock all those fashion-forward clothes that i see in magazines and sometimes on Topshop. How i won’t have to worry that a certain shop doesn’t carry my size and how i wouldn’t feel out of place in a store in China Town. Maybe my feet might just shrink back one size so it’ll be easier to actually wear shoes without wondering whether they’re wide enough. How i’d finally be able to go to the beach without feeling like a whale...I could spend the next two days going on about the hows of the future. But i would probably spend about an hour at the most on the present and that would be on a really good day when i'm feeling like Jennifer Lopez, Salma Hayek and Queen Latifah all at the same time.
So how exactly do i get round to living in the moment, accepting myself and just enjoying my life? Because let's face it; life is a bitch. It's dull, short, boring, annoying, frustrating, fantastic, orgasmic, hot, mentally draining and challenging, and definitely not fair. My mum's theory is just to forgive and let go. Of course, she says that to me because she knows that i'm not good at letting go of anything. But maybe if i stopped reading magazines and stopped engaging in emotional shopping? Or maybe if i worked out simply because it's good for my health instead of because i'll lose weight. Or maybe, just maybe if i simply forget about actually busting my ass to lose weight, chuck out all the stuff i have that doesn't flatter me and send them off to charity. Then, just lavish my current form with TLC and ensembles that actually flatter it; stop thinking about the pre-sick me or the future me after i've finished a 40-minute session of Billy Blanks' Tae-Bo kickboxing. Maybe that way, i can actually live in the moment and actually accept myself. Oh, i also have to try and stop hating on people that are much slimmer than i am and happen to have long hair; and stop imagining aliens abducting all the pretty people from the face of the earth. What do you guys think?
Images via GWAS, Dramabeans.com, Thumped.co.uk