Friday, April 17, 2009

But Why?

The question 'how low can you go?' used to be something my trainer asked me in reference to doing squats, plies and lunges. But right now, it means a totally different thing to me. I'm here but i'm not here; physically i'm in the body but psychologically i'm experiencing a double jeopardy dilema. I'm going through an 'in and out' of the body and mind experience. People always say that at some point in their lives, they hit rock bottom! Some people refer to it as the crisis point in their lives where they realise that something has to change for them to get better. But then, exactly where is rock bottom?? Because in my mind's eye, there is no bottom....unlike the economy that bottoms out after a recession/depression to make room for growth and improvement....i don't see any bottom. All i see is a cloud of emotions and unanswered questions disrupting the view and 'pretending' to have a base whereas, there's nothing there. There's no safety net or solid's all an illusion, just like the mirage on the highway whilst driving and looking in the distance.

Some days i see it and some days i don't. Today i do, and so much so i see it very clearly. I see the thick cloud of emotions and unanswered questions hanging over my head. The questions of the universe, existence and emotions. But the biggest and most difficult questions are WHAT AM I FEELING & WHY AM I FEELING THIS WAY? When i look at myself....i know what i see. I see myself as a contradiction of all sorts and a coin. A coin has two sides, but you can only see one side fully at a time and in order to see the other side, you need to flip the coin and forefeit the present picture. This is exactly how i am, it isn't a complement or a is a predetermined decision made behind closed doors with emotions running through my viens just side-by-side with the oxygen transporter. When i step out the door, i put on my brave face and leave all my problems behind closed doors irrespective of how pressing they are and if i feel i can't achieve this on a particular day, i stay indoors in solitude with my emotions as a protective shell around me while i hibernate to reconstruct the face that needs to be worn on a daily basis for the public. But when i get back in the evening and wind down, i have to face the unanswered questions and find the words to express the feelings...

Words because i'm not skilled in the art of expressing my emotions. Asking me to tell you exactly how i feel is like asking me to knock down a house without the help of a bulldozer. Breaking point always lingers around the corner offering nasty kisses to my cheeks whilst teasing and caressing me to give in and accept that it is there. Does accepting breaking point mean hitting rock bottom? Does it signify just how low you can go?

Are emotions still emotions when they cannot be explained? Can a problem without a question be solved? Can a burden be shared without being located? Or feelings felt without any sensory nerves? Does it ever get better or is it just mind over matter? It feels like a stagnant river waiting for a mighty wave to stir it up and keep it moving in a direction that has yet to be decided.


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