I’ve spent the most of the last four years worrying about my body. I spent a lot on gym memberships, fitness assessments, fitness dvds and sports therapy from pulling so many of my muscles and almost busting my ankle. I spend so much time worrying about how much exercise i’ve done in a week, what i ate and dreaming of how hot i would look once my pot belly finally decides to disappear. I always dream of how happy and hot and fashionable and amazing my wardrobe would be when i’m 20kg lighter. Infact, i spend so much time dreaming about my possible future body, working out and pulling a muscle every week that i never even bother to appreciate the body i have. I remember clearly in 2007, i had a gym membership, worked out with a trainer four times a week religiously, had a dietician that guided me with all my meal choices, kept a food diary like a mad woman and at the end of the year, i only lost 2 POUNDS and so much £££. My personal trainer’s joke at the time was that it could be worse!!! Can you imagine that? How much worse could it possibly get? Weeks of sore muscles and him putting me through the paces, having to adhere to a strict diet and all i could show for it was by being 2 pounds lighter on the scale? I was soooo furious that day! I had an absolutely long rant session with my doctor and dietician and by the time i was done, i gave the remnant of my anger to my personal trainer before cancelling my gym membership. My doctor kept trying to console me by telling me that it isn’t really something i should worry about because i have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). All i could think of at that moment was...eff PCOS! Life is so unfair; so much effort and countless hours with only 2 pounds to show for it. You’d have thought that the experience calmed me down and would make me focus on more important things!
What a joke! Nothing changed other than the fact that i decided i had to try BILLY BLANKS tae-bo dvds because everyone raved so much about the weight they lost. Yeah right, the only weight i lost was the one that came from my wallet! 2008 saw me getting worse into depression and strictly refusing any anti-depression medication my doctor offered. It got to a point that he couldn’t even bring the topic up for fear of me passing a very nasty look across the table. So i chose alternative treatments like hypnotherapy and counselling. Did they work for me? NO! I fell asleep during hypnotherapy; i don’t mean the kind of sleep that is seen as the norm when you are hypnotised. I’m talking the kind where you are so far gone your hypnotherapist is waking you up with a nasty look on her face. As for counselling, lets just say that it was a waste of my 5 hours for each week that i had to go. So then my doctor suggested that a complete change of location might do the trick; July 2008 i find myself in Maroochydore Australia and my excitement lasted for approximately 24 hours before i got back into my depressed cycle. Between July 2008 and now, i’ve managed to lose a few kilos and pull every single muscle in my body but i still wear the same clothes! My body measurement is still the same; the only thing that changed is that i finally went on my PCOS medication because my blood test results were getting worse. I still had the same mentality that i have to be skinny, with washboard abs and 20 kilos lighter to look hot. All my happy and sexy and bubbly hopes and dreams were based on the ‘sometime’ in the future when i become the skinny person i used to be before i got sick; and all my fashion ideas were based on that dream skinny bod.
Exactly what is wrong with me being and feeling sexy and happy right now? Isn’t the fact that i’m alive good enough reason for me to stop putting all my hopes on a body that i once had and now resides in my dream to grasp at some foreseeable future? Haven’t i pulled enough muscles to realise that no matter how much i stress and workout that my body is going to do what it has already decided? Maybe its me sitting down right now on one bum because i pulled a muscle on an entire leg from working out enough reason to change my attitude. Maybe its the fact that i’ve been reading STYLISH CURVES for quite a while now that is whipping me back into reality. At the end of the day, i have exactly what all girls are born with. I have boobs that people pay and go through the knife to get, i can still paint my nails and wear as much eye liner and mascara and the world will not come to an end. Better still, there are bigger girls out there looking hot and strutting their stuff with utter confidence and no care in the world for what other people think about their size or the amount of stretch marks they have.
I woke up today realising that i have not appreciated myself or my body in a long time. I woke up realising that i have to work with what i have, i have to love myself if not no one else would waste their precious time trying to love me. Even though i’ve always known that people see you the way you see yourself, its only taken today for that to really sink into my conscious mind. I can huff and puff about how much i hate my tummy or my thighs or i can just appreciate the good things i have and try to disguise the ones that i like less. I can choose to hate my body and grudgingly sweat through an hour of workout each day or i can accept me for the way i am and just do the workouts that i love instead of the ones that insist i’ll lose 5 pounds in one week (yes, i am talking about the Jillian Michaels workout that made me spend extra money seeing a doctor for spraining my back!). I can wait to get the bob haircut i’ve always wanted when i’m 20 kilos lighter or i can just wait till December/January when my hair has grown long enough to cut it into that style.
I AM sick of waiting, and when i’m not sick of it, i’m tired. I’m sick AND tired of waiting for the tomorrow that never comes. So, i have decided that i’m going to put myself on confidence masterclass! Yes, you read that very right! I am going to finally stop killing myself with Jillian Michaels because i hate doing her workouts and instead try Pilates. I’m going to try and love myself more and my body more and just shower it with all the love and affection i have. I refuse to get any more depressed than i’ve been and if you are out there beating yourself up about your shape or size, or the fact that you might need plastic surgery to fix your nose (you know yourself!), you are not alone! You are beautiful just the way you are, you just need to learn to accept it and enjoy every single day. I know its much easier to talk the talk than walk it, but i’m going to start trying. I’m going to keep working out because i know it is beneficial to my health; if i lose any more weight then that;ll be a bonus, but if i don’t i’m pretty sure that the world will not come to an end! And for those of you who haven’t seen me this semester, i have much much longer hair!!!!!!!!!
Alissa, can i please move into your closet?