Wednesday, August 19, 2009

It’s Not the Power of the Curse, It’s The Power You Give The Curse

Ever heard of the placebo effect? It’s the beneficial effect in a patient following a particular treatment that arises from the patient's expectations concerning the treatment rather than from the treatment itself. I watched Penelope today and it reminded me of the placebo effect after the curse was broken. And you know that little boy at the end that explained why the curse got broken without the kiss of a blue blood man? Well, it’s all about the power of the mind i guess. This is one of my excuses for not going to book an appointment with the doctor or get on a waiting list. That and the fact that i'm tired of getting blood tests weekly that keep showing them what they've known for years already. I'm believing and hoping that i wouldn't get to a stage where i'll get so depressed and messed up about my weight that i'll succumb to getting hormone therapy or whatever it's called. For those who know anything about underactive thyroids and P.C.O.S, then you'll know what i'm getting at. And if you happen to be unaware of it, Google might help you on that note as i'm not the best at explaining things.

This brings me to another point. Do you ever feel like you’re an actor playing a character in someone else’s movie? Maybe the movie might be for the world in general or for your parents? Well, sometimes i feel like Shrek, Penelope or Bolt. I’m a character in my family’s movie. Of course, mum always says you can go be who you want and do what you want with your life. And the minute she’s done saying that, she gives me a sermon on all the marvellous things that my life would be if i just live the life of the good Christian girl dad and mum wants me to be. But then, i know that i don’t know exactly what i want because i’ve grown up being the character that everyone in the family wants me to be and i feel like i’m walking in the shadows of mum and dad. All i want to do is find out who i really am, even if it ends up leading me to the person they always want to be or if i end up being someone else. At least i would know who i am and would have had the experience.

That was what i thought would happen with me going to uni away from the country. I felt the distance would make it easier for me to figure out who i am and what i truly want. But i found out it wasn’t the case and even at the moment as i’m on the opposite side of the world, i still feel like i’m mentally imprisoned in the mode of being who they want because i know they’re spending loads of money on my being here. Plus i’m crippled by fear. And the funny part is that i don’t know what i’m scared of. What’s even funnier is the fact that i’m actually scared considering the fact that i’ve been travelling alone since i was 12 to different states in Nigeria and when i was 15 i made my first solo trip out of the country. I can pretty much travel anywhere in the world that i choose to visit without any company and even when the doubts of making new friends come to mind, it hasn’t stopped me so far on my quest for excitement. It’s been a year and almost 2 months since i left England and i must admit that i do miss it. I don’t miss the people as much as i miss the little town i used to live, Loughborough, or the terrible british weather. I miss actual autumn, white Christmas and that feeling that my nose is frozen. I miss wearing a jacket during autumn, gloves and a scarf during winter. I miss going for dinner with my friends at various restaurants and comparing the waitress' service to the one i have to give at the Leicester stadium to VIPs.

This brings me to another theory: The Chaos Theory. If you've seen the movie Chaos you'll know where i'm going with this. Chaos theory is the study of phenomena that appear random but in fact have an element of regularity that can be described mathematically. 'Return to the earth now if your mind is troubled and your heart is uncertain. For it is by returning to the beginning that we can clearly see the path' - Ryan Phillipe's character in the movie explained that an elephant made this statement to Buddha when he was confused in the forest. So when you hit a dead end, you go back to the beginning and try to find your way again. This takes us back to the very first thing i was talking about when i started this post. So does it mean that everything in your life would come together to form a uniform agenda at some point? You would think that with me being tired i wouldn't be able to do anything else today, but my brain is currently on overdrive and as i type this, i'm on the 10th page on Microsoft Word! How swell...

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