You know, there comes a time in your life when you want something...you want it really bad it gives you a headache and sometimes you cant even breathe properly, it feels like the walls are closing in on you or the ground is gonna swallow you...but you still don't know exactly what it is you want....but you know how you want it to feel....so you try to do something that you know would yield that kind of feeling. Even though everyone around you says you don’t necessarily need it, and it’s something you’ve never really been interested in, but at that moment in time, that’s what you want and regardless of how you’ll feel afterwards you know you want it badly. You might be breaking some kind of rule…maybe a rule you’ve made for yourself or just rules that you’re silently meant to abide by…but you also know that the things you’ve done while breaking rules happen to be the best things in your life that you’ve ever done or experienced. I don’t know how to explain the feeling, but I know what I feel and what it feels like. I know I’m going crazy but I can’t help it, it’s sort of out of control…it’s like I’ve had a build up and it just wants to come out, and if I leave it for longer it might just explode…and right now I have a really terrible headache that’s just poking me from all sides.
I'm beginning to think that it's time i reschedule my appointment to go see my therapist George because i just might be loosing it. It's like there are several people talking in my head all at once and i'm seeing lots of different things because i can see through their eyes and mine all at the same time. Reading this as i type just shows how crazy these thoughts are but getting it out of my head might be the easiest way to reduce the aches in my head and get myself to sleep. Constantly reading the same book over and over again might be a sign that there's something lacking and a room for change needs to be created. Thinking faster than my fingers can type my thoughts is leading to the weight of my glasses being unbearable for my nostrils as i can now feel my glasses digging onto the bridge of my nose. Having to study for Quantitative Mehtods in the midst of these thoughts gives the headache of mathematics and calculus a new name. Having thoughts that are not synchronised and lack a certain trend of meanings even goes to prove how salty this all is. But all this might just be a distraction from the real issue; because the real issue is nudging me to get it all out so that i can BREATHE properly without feeling like i'm going to sneeze or choke.
The real feeling comes down to something that is frowned on by society and doesn't seem to get a good rap. It's not necessarily something i would like to constantly say to my friends because you get the awkward silences and the stares from people because they are unsure of how tor eact to the situation; what to say to you or even if they should hang out with you from that moment onwards. It's just at the tip of my fingers but i'm seriously struggling to put it out there. Psychoanalysing myself right now is an understatement of the conversation i'm having with myself in my head and in front of the mirror. Why can't i just let it all out? Why can't it just come out on its own? Why is it so difficult to explain to somebody? Why do i have to 'wear a special face' when i go out just for the publice? I can just hear George saying this to me during a session 'Please do try to explain yourself as much as you can and in as much detail. This is a safe haven where we can work through the worries.' All sounds so good until it gets to the point where the words are meant to roll out of your tongue. You can taste the words but you can't mouth them off in sentences. They come in strings of words that are incoherent but on a deeper level is an alarm signalling for help. The words come out slowly.......sad....lonely....going crazy....alienated from the people around me.....feeling alone even in the midst of a crowd.....lost in self-depreciation.
Writing this reminds me of my Chemistry teacher when i was 15; he told me i needed to go see a doctor because when he looks at me during each of my chemistry classes with him; he can only describe me as withdrawn, private and melancholic. Seven years on and those words are still etched in my mind and the expression on his face still vivid. Here are two quotes from Michael Angelo that caught my attention:
“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.” “Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.”